Make a Dragon Wanna Retire, Man…

It’s Too Hot.

With a apologies to Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars…but…it’s that time of year in Thailand.  April marks the beginning of the end of the long dry season.  I trick myself every “winter” into thinking we don’t really have seasons here.  It’s just hot and hotter.  The rain isn’t cool at all, it’s just wet and annoying and it makes traffic a bummer.  But there are actual seasons.  December & January are cool, and fresh and dry.  Mornings are distinctively cooler than the afternoon and when the sun goes down you can actually perceive a difference in temperature.  February starts to warm up a bit, with occasional high humidity days, but it’s still only around 80 degrees and it’s nice to be outside.  March starts to ramp up…there are days when you sweat just stepping outside, but I’d argue that most days are lovely and punctuated by the very occasional rainstorm-not the monsoon kind, just some lightning and thunder and a squall that doesn’t cool anything down at all, but rather, just takes the humidity up a notch.  Rainy season doesn’t technically start until late May, but something discernible changes every year this first week of April.  It’s HOT.  It’s like somebody turned on the furnace in the sky and there is no escaping.  We’ve all noticed even the locusts seem to be protesting-instead of 6am and 6pm they seem to be crying out in agony at all times of the day and night.  And  when one locust has a moment-they all go up in arms.  It’s both awesome and rather frightening.

I have this app on my phone, Timehop, that captures every post I’ve ever made on this date in Facebook (or Twitter, or Instagram, or in your Cloud) and organizes them chronologically and with lovely graphics on one scrollable page.  I love this app-it makes me happy to see the fun things we have done in the past 8 years I’ve been on Facebook (what?!) and since I’m off Facebook (as far as you know), it gives me a tiny little “fix”.  Starting this week, there is a distinctive trend over the past 3 years that did not exist the 5 previous years.  I have a habit of posting the temperature snapshots from my time & temp function on my phone.  The taglines on all of the posts were something about it being too hot, or bursting into flames, or spontaneously combusting.  I suspect I will see al lot more of these on Timehop for the next month.

Because,Boy Howdy-it is just ridiculously hot outside.  For those of you living in temperate or cold climates, I imagine you are rolling your eyes and thinking “Oh, poor you…get another umbrella drink and go sit by the pool, already”.  But here’s the thing-it’s too hot to sit outside.  The water in the pool is dangerously warm and we’re all chronically dehydrated.  One of my friends’ daughter passed out from heat exposure and fell UP the concrete stairs at school and chipped her front tooth.  She had been outside and hadn’t had enough to drink.  It is so easy to get overheated here, it’s scary.

There is one more week left to Songkran, the Thai New Year. A holiday marked by throwing/shooting/pouring/attacking other people with water, water guns, hoses, buckets, trash cans full of water, etc.  It’s crazy and fun and dangerous and I totally get it.  I pretty much want to get in the pool all the time.  Only it’s too hot.  And there’s almost no point taking a shower because you won’t ever get dry and then you can’t differentiate the sweat from the clean.  It’s just replacing one kind of water for the other.  Eeew.

I drank 24oz of water with my breakfast smoothie (also 24oz) and then followed up with a Starbucks grande iced spearmint tea this morning.  I’ve since had 24 more oz of water and an iced coffee.  I have not visited the washroom at all, all day.  It’s really not good.

The rains will come in May-and though it doesn’t cool off much, it changes the punishing intensity of the heat.  Brings it down just enough to quell the gasp and “OMG” that I cannot help but utter every time I step outside in April.

We’re taking a trip to Cambodia for the girls’ Songkran break.  We will tour Angkor Wat by bicycle and enjoy the beauty of the countryside but part of me is terrified that we are going to be roasted alive, because I ran a half marathon in Angkor Wat in December once-at it started at 6am and I ponder whether I might spontaneously combust along the way.  I’ve arranged a follow-car because I’m scared that we’ll all shrivel up and just be our casings by the end of the day!  Luckily-we’re headed to an island afterward where I plan to sit in or on or near the water for a full 5 days.

Once we return it shouldn’t be long before the rainy season comes, and with it, a respite.  Until then I will continue to sing the TOO HOT part of Uptown Funk and force-feed my children water from Camelback Eddy bottles so I can strictly regulate their water intake.

Remind me of this when I’m whining about being cold next Christmas.  Hot is worse-you can’t escape it!